Telling family and friends about your breast cancer

Telling your family and friends you have breast cancer can be very difficult. It’s completely natural to worry about what to say and how they might react. However, being open about your cancer and how you’re feeling can help you and make it easier for people to support you.

If you’re living with metastatic (secondary) breast cancer, our Secondary breast cancer information pack also has information about relationships and talking to friends and family about your diagnosis.

When you tell people about your breast cancer is a personal decision.

You may have spoken to your partner, close friends or relatives about the possibility of having cancer when you first visited your GP.

You may prefer to wait until your breast cancer is confirmed and you have a treatment plan before you tell other people.

You may only want to tell a few people or ask others to help you pass the information on. Having an informed family member or friend with when you let others know can give you some support.

You may find it easier to tell people in a text message or email. You can then discuss it with them later, if you’d like to.

If you have social media, such as Facebook or WhatsApp, you could let people know in a private group. You may find it easier to update everyone together and not have to repeat yourself. Make sure you’re clear about who they can tell if you don’t want everyone to know.

It can be helpful to start with the basic facts about your diagnosis and treatment options. The conversation may progress naturally from there.

You may not want to give detailed information, or you may not know much yourself yet.

If you don’t want to, or can’t, go into a lot of detail, you could give people some written information instead. We have lots of booklets and leaflets about breast cancer that you can order or direct people to.

Everyone deals with difficult news in different ways. It can be helpful to discuss your feelings with those close to you and let them know how they can help you.

How people respond to your breast cancer diagnosis might depend on:

• How close they are to you
• Whether they were expecting it
• Their own experiences with cancer and serious illnesses

It’s normal for people to be upset and worried when you tell them about your diagnosis.

Some people might feel uncomfortable or react in an insensitive way without meaning to. If people say inappropriate things, it’s often because they’re feeling overwhelmed, worried or helpless.

You may feel like people avoid talking to you about your cancer. This may be because they’re worried about upsetting you if they mention it.

Some people may seem overly positive because they’re trying to make you feel better about your diagnosis. Others might use phrases like “fighting cancer” and “battling your disease”. This can make it feel like you should have control over your situation and any setback is your fault. It might also make you feel emotional or as though you can’t have any “down” days. It could be helpful to talk to them about how their comments are making you feel.

You could also ask a friend or relative to talk about how you’re feeling to others if it makes you uncomfortable.

Telling children about your breast cancer may feel very daunting. But support is available. You may find it helpful to read our information on talking with children about breast cancer.

If you or a family member has metastatic (secondary) breast cancer, see our booklet Talking with children about metastatic breast cancer.