Rediscovering intimacy after breast cancer isn’t about going back to how things were – it's about finding even deeper closeness than before

Tell us about yourself

I’m an office manager and mum to 3 children aged 20, 18 and 12. On top of my day job, I teach Irish dancing.

I met my partner Sam aged 16 and we got married in 2015. Growing up together gave us a mutual trust as we've changed and grown together. Sex was special and passionate, the glue of our marriage.

Can you tell us about your diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer?

In 2021, I found a small, pea-shaped lump in my right breast. I went to the GP, who referred me for a biopsy. The biopsy confirmed I had triple negative breast cancer. 

Honestly, nothing prepares you for those words. It felt like the ground disappeared from underneath me. 

Everything happened so quickly after that. I had chemotherapy over a 6 month period, followed by a bilateral mastectomy and DIEP reconstruction surgery. Each step of treatment left its mark, physically and emotionally. I lost my hair, I had scars on my nipples and I didn’t recognise myself for a long time.

What impact did this have on sex and intimacy with your partner?

The truth is, cancer changed everything. My body felt foreign to me. I was scarred and tired, it wasn’t the body I once knew. Treatment also brought on hot flashes and dryness. And I experienced a big dip in my sex drive.

It wasn’t just physical, though. Emotionally, I didn’t always feel attractive or like I was “enough”. It made intimacy with my partner really complicated. Before my diagnosis, we had an extremely healthy sexual relationship. We talked openly. There were no boundaries or barriers. After breast cancer, sometimes it felt easier to avoid the topic altogether, but that created more distance between us.

How did you overcome these challenges?

It didn’t happen overnight. Talking openly helped, even when it was uncomfortable. I remember saying, “I’m scared you won’t find me attractive anymore,” and hearing my partner reassure me was huge.

We also learned to take the pressure off sex having to look or feel a certain way. Some days, intimacy was just lying together, touching, or sharing quiet moments.  

Slowly, with patience and honesty, we began to rebuild that closeness. I also reached out to a therapist who specialised in intimacy after cancer. This gave me new tools and confidence, which also helped.

Do you have any advice to help others have open conversations around sex and intimacy after breast cancer?

I worry that women like me feel too shy and embarrassed to speak openly about sexual intimacy. But don’t wait until it feels “easy” to talk about it, because it rarely does. Just start small. Even saying something like, “This feels hard for me, but I want to share it with you,” can open the door.

Be gentle with yourself and your partner. They might be feeling nervous too, not wanting to hurt you or say the wrong thing. And if words are too much, sometimes writing a note or message can get the conversation flowing.

What are your top tips for people who want to rediscover intimacy and sexual connection?

1. Take your time — there’s no deadline on getting “back to normal”
2. Remember, intimacy isn’t just about sex — it can be about closeness, touch, or even laughing together
3. Explore what feels good now, even if it’s different from before
4. Don’t be afraid to ask for help — doctors, therapists, or support groups can make a big difference
5. Most of all, be kind to yourself. Your body has been through so much and it deserves compassion 

Rediscovering intimacy after breast cancer isn’t about going back to how things were before. It’s about finding new ways to connect and sometimes that leads to even deeper closeness than you had before.