Talking with children about breast cancer

Most of this information applies to both primary breast cancer and metastatic (secondary) breast cancer. But if you’re talking to children about metastatic breast cancer, you may find our booklet Talking with children about metastatic (secondary) breast cancer helpful.

Telling your children you have breast cancer can feel daunting, even if you’ve had to have difficult conversations with your children before.

Organisations such as The Fruit Fly Collective and The Little C Club have useful resources to help you tell your children you have breast cancer.

Many children can sense when something is different or wrong. They can usually tell when you’re upset or worried too. If you don’t tell them what’s happening, they may think they’ve done something wrong, blame themselves or they may use their imagination to explain what’s happening. They may overhear information or accidentally find out about your diagnosis before you’ve had a chance to tell them.

When to tell them

It can be helpful to talk with your children when there’s plenty of time for them to ask questions or be with you afterwards.

You might want to talk to your children in a comfortable setting where you’re unlikely to be distracted or disturbed. It might be helpful to have someone you and your children know and trust, such as a partner or friend, with you to offer support.

If you have more than 1 child, you may want to tell them about your diagnosis together. After you’ve told your children together, you can then have further conversations with them separately. This may allow you to give information that is more age appropriate.

What to tell them

What you tell your children about your breast cancer will depend on different things, such as their age and your family’s previous experience of cancer or a serious illness.

Many people find it helpful to discuss what they plan to say with their partner, friends or other family members before speaking to their children. This helps ensure children are receiving consistent information from those close to them. You may disagree with your partner, friends or family members about what or how much to tell your children. You can ask your breast care nurse for support on how to discuss this with your partner, friends or family.

It may help to make opportunities for your children talk with you about what’s happening and ask questions. Here are some topics you might want to talk to them about over time:

• What cancer is 
• What part of the body it affects 
• Any treatments you’re likely to have
• Side effects you may have and how these will affect you and your family’s routine 
• What will change for your children

The support and information your children might need will depend on a variety of factors, including:

• Their age
• Whether they are neurodiverse 
• Whether they have any learning difficulties 

You can find a list of organisations who can support you when talking about breast cancer with a child with additional needs at the end of this webpage.

You can also find some helpful books and resources aimed at children of different ages.

Explaining cancer

If you haven’t had to talk to your children about cancer before, it might be helpful to start by asking them what they know or understand about it.

Try to use clear language and avoid complicated terms. For example, it’s best to use the word “cancer” from the beginning, and to explain it using language your children will understand. See our list of useful organisations at the end of the webpage for more information about the language to use.

Younger children (6 and under)

Younger children are unlikely to have much knowledge about cancer. They may learn about the human body at primary school and have an understanding about different body parts and cells. You know your children best, so try to explain in terms they’ll understand.

You might find storybooks help to explain cancer to younger children. It is important you read the books first to make sure they’re right for you and your family.

Older children (7 to 12)

A good place to start with older children is to tell them what’s happening and how your treatment team are going to help you.

You can ask them what they want to know about your diagnosis or treatment and offer them the opportunity to talk about it when they’re ready.

There are useful resources to help explain cancer to older children at the end of this webpage.

Teenagers

As with older children, a good place to start with teenagers is to tell them what’s happening and how your treatment team are going to help you.

You can also ask them what they want to know about your diagnosis or treatment and offer them the opportunity to talk about it when they’re ready. This might not be immediately. It’s important to remember teenagers may need more time than younger children to process the information. This may result in them appearing disinterested.

You can find some useful resources and organisations who offer support to young adults at the end of this page.

Explaining treatment and side effects 

You may want to tell your children about the treatments you will be having. However, treatment plans can change so it’s important to let your children know your treatment team will make sure you’re getting the most appropriate treatment for you.

Different treatments will have different side effects, such as:

• Hair loss 
• Scar from surgery 
• Feeling sick 
• Feeling more tired than usual 

Your children might not be aware that medicine can make you feel unwell before it makes you feel better. You may want to talk to your children about potential side effects you might experience. This may help prepare your children for any changes they notice.

It might be possible for your children to meet your treatment team so they can ask questions, find out who’s looking after you and feel reassured about where you’re having treatment. You can speak to your breast care nurse about whether this is an option for you.

Honest and open communication with your children

It’s important to continue to have honest and open communication with your children during your treatment. This includes being honest if you can’t answer a question your child asks. 

You may find it helpful to read age-appropriate stories to your children to help talk about your breast cancer and encourage wider conversations. It’s important to read these first to make sure they’re appropriate for you and your family.

You may notice changes in your child’s behaviour after you’ve told them about your breast cancer diagnosis or while you’re going through treatment.

This might include changes to their:

• Eating habits 
• Sleeping patterns 
• Concentration (at school or at home) 
• Mood

If you’re worried about changes in your child’s behaviour, whether listed above or not, speak to their GP or your breast care nurse.

Breast Cancer Now has a range of services to support you. See “Support from Breast Cancer Now” at the end of this webpage, where you can also find resources and organisations to help support your whole family.

There are many ways to keep in touch with your children if you need to stay in hospital for treatment. 

It may be reassuring for your children to see where you are. If they’re unable to visit you in hospital, you could suggest calling or video calling them.

You could suggest your children stay with a friend or relative while you’re in hospital. If you don’t have family and friends living close by who can help with childcare, a social worker at the hospital can give you advice about childcare in your area. Organisations such as Coram Family and Childcare and Home Start may also be able to help.

It may be helpful to let your child’s school or nursery know about your diagnosis. This is so staff can support you both.

You can find an example of a letter or email you can send to the school at the end of this webpage. 

The support your child’s school can offer them will vary, but may include:

• Pastoral support or counselling 
• Free activities or clubs before or after school 
• Extensions on homework and coursework
• Putting a support system in place if your child is feeling overwhelmed (for example, giving them a timeout card to show the teacher)

If your child is preparing for exams, the school may be able to apply to the exam board for special considerations. You will need to contact the school to discuss whether this is possible.

As treatment varies from person to person, the time it takes to recover also varies. While chemotherapy may last a few months, hormone therapy can continue for several years.

Each stage of your treatment and recovery may bring different feelings and experiences. Continuing to have open and honest conversations with your child may help you both feel more supported.

The resources and organisations at the end of this webpage can help you navigate family life after your treatment has finished.

Support from Breast Cancer Now 

We have a range of services to help support you during and after a breast cancer diagnosis:

• You can call our free helpline to speak to one of our specialist nurses
• You can connect with people going through a similar experience on our online forum

Primary breast cancer

• Our Someone Like Me service matches you with a trained volunteer who has had a similar experience to you
• If you are diagnosed with primary breast cancer under the age of 45, our Younger Women Together service gives the chance to meet people your age who understand what you’re going through
• Our Moving Forward course gives you the tools to adjust to life beyond primary breast cancer treatment

Metastatic breast cancer 

• Our Living with Secondary Breast Cancer groups give you the chance to meet people who understand what you're going through
• If you were diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer under the age of 45, our Younger Women with Secondary Breast Cancer groups gives the chance to meet people your age who understand what you're going through

Support explaining cancer

• Fruitfly Collective – an organisation that supports families affected by breast cancer
• Parenting with Cancer (Fruitfly Collective) - specific support and resources for parents with a cancer diagnosis
• The Little C Club - flashcards designed to help parents talk to children about cancer

Support with childcare

• Coram Family and Childcare - offers information and services to help people make the right decision about childcare for their child
• Home Start - helps families with young children cope with challenges such as long-term illness in the family

Support for children and young adults 

• Hope Support Services - an organisation supporting young people aged 11 to 25 when a close family member is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness
• Maggie’s Centres Kids’ Days and Teen Days - Maggie’s runs quarterly Kids’ Days (ages 7 to 13) and Teen Days (ages 14 to 18) at some of their centres, offering information about cancer and its treatments and a chance for children to talk together
• Mencap - supports people with a learning disability, as well as their families and carers
• National Autistic Society - provides support, information and advice for autistic adults and children in the UK, as well as their family members and carers
• Partnership for Children - an independent charity which promotes the mental health and emotional wellbeing of children
• The Osborne Trust - supports children with a parent affected by cancer
• Young Minds - offers a helpline for parents, along with information about feelings, mental health and ways to cope
• Youth Access - an advice and counselling network

Books

Example letter or email to school

Dear [teacher’s name],

My child [child’s name] is in class [class name].

I’m writing to you because I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. [Child’s name] would like the following members of staff to know about my diagnosis: [staff members’ names].

My treatment might disrupt [child’s name]’s normal routine at home and they may need some extra support at school. I would really appreciate it if you could let me know if you have any concerns about [child’s name] while they are at school.

It would also be very helpful if you could offer [insert reasonable adjustments if appropriate e.g. earlier pick up times, parking space nearer school, extra support with exams] while I’m going through treatment. 

Please do contact me if you have any questions or concerns. You can contact me [on number / at email] [or I’d be happy to talk to you in person].

You can find out more information about breast cancer on the Breast Cancer Now website breastcancernow.org

Yours sincerely,

[Your name]